Here's a gentle parody of the way old French textbooks try to teach you stuff..... based on bitter experience. So here's the start of Chapter 57 of Julian Drainpipe's much loved French textbook, La Francaise pour les Dingues.
The Procrustian Tense .... ( le Futur Déconcérte)
The Procrustian is only used on Thursdays* and first you should memorise this table.... I have used the verb grelecher ( to discard something useful by mistake) because it the only common -er verb which is regular in all its parts.
je grelecherie** nous grelecher(i)ons****
tu grelecher(e)s*** vous grelecheri(e)(z)
il grelecher(e) ils gre(le)cherent*****
Bracketed letters may not be voiced in some parts of the Francophone world.. try to follow local practice in those areas. This is largely due to the Great Swiss Vowel Shift in the middle ages.
[1] Copy this table into your workbook five times.
[2] Draw a map of the areas where the bracketed letters are not used.
[3] Write 20 sentences using the verb grelecher in the Procrustian.
[4] Rewrite your sentences ..
[a] in the Tremerite
[b] in the Bratonesque
[c] in Latin
[5] Make up a story involving a foreigner discarding something by mistake ..
[a] on a Wednesday.
[b] on a Thursday in the Dordogne
[c] on a Thursday in Alsace-Lorraine.
[6] Place your head on your workbook and draw round it. Colour it in in French.
[7] Find the tables for the Procrustian endings for -ir and -re verbs in the appendix. Copy each table out 20 times. Memorise for tomorrow.
[8] Using durcir ( to harden) as your -ir verb, write down 12 sentences of your own devising which could be used in everyday situations.
[9] Pretend you are a detective and, using déduire ( to deduct) as your -re verb, write 12 sentences in the Procrustian such that they form a short but entertaining story.
[10] Find out about the Great Swiss Vowel Shift. Prepare a short presentation for next Thursday ( for obvious reasons).
Ensure that you memorise the Procrustian thoroughly because there will be a test on Friday 18th, and we will soon be moving on to Le Subjonctif Suggestif ...
There are several pages of this ... much further on in the book we find these notes...
Notes on Chapter 57.
In recent years, thanks to the work of Professor Forthright, we now that in most parts of France the verb grelecher actually refers to the situation where your wife throws something useful out by mistake. Also, it isn't only used on Thursdays ( this would be ridiculous) it is in fact used on all days except Thursdays. Its use on Thursday is taken as a terrible insult, and has led to several assaults and court cases, many involving the readers of La Francaise pour les Dingues .
In addition, the typesetters seem to have omitted the asterisked clarifications submitted by the esteemed Prof Drainpipe .. they are appended here..
* Thursday finishes in France at 8pm.
** The 1st person singular is rarely used except in written or formal French.
*** In familiar "tu" form the second syllable (-le-) remains silent.
**** The nous form can be used at any time of the week.
***** The 3rd person plural sounds like all the others.
Well, that's exactly how it used to be in the good old days .. and I suspect much of it still is! Plenty of writing and copying out and homework, a complete absence of any usefulness, common-sense and a determination to make eveything as difficult and obscure as possible ! That's the way to teach them tricky stuff like foreign languages !
Well, I hope you liked that even though it was in the "wrong" language. And talking of liking, this is one of the few H Hawkline things I've liked .... so here it, and he, is, and fortunately not singing in the Procrustian ( but maybe in the Subjonctif Suggestif ?